It Was All Worth It
by Clams
Summary: What if Andy Kaufman had lived to participate in the WWF's Rock and Wrestling Connection and wrestle in the main event at the first WrestleMania? Reviews welcome.
1. Evolution

It Was All Worth It  
  
By Chris Casino  
  
WrestleMania is copyright World Wrestling Entertainment, Hulkamania, Hulk Hogan, etc., is copyright Marvel Comics, Andy Kaufman and all others belong to themselves.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE  
  
As an Andy Kaufman fan as well as a lifelong fan of professional wrestling, I realize there are some people out there who will read this and say, "You dumb bastard! How could you begin this story in August of 1984? Don't you know the poor man died in May of 1984?" And the answer is yes. Just let me explain.  
  
The evolution of this story came as I was playing the Sony Playstation 2 game Legends of Wrestling II against Andy, who's a featured wrestler in it. The game, although it features mostly old-school guys, features pretty much modern forms of wrestling. It suddenly occurred to me: Andy's goal, to bring wrestling back to network TV and to get a mainstream audience behind it, was achieved a year after he died, by Vincent K. McMahon, Jr., owner of what was then known as the World Wrestling Federation. What if Andy had lived to work with this man? What if he had participated in the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection? Or the first WrestleMania? I then concocted a scenario whereby Andy Kaufman never contacted lung cancer and was contacted by Vince McMahon to participate in the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection and the first WrestleMania? I then figured the main event would be Hulk Hogan and Mr. T vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Andy Kaufman (subbing in this story for the real-life combatant in that match, Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff)! I figured that would make sense, good guy wrestler and good guy celebrity vs. bad guy wrestler and bad guy celebrity.  
  
Another factor which contributed to the evolution of this story was the testimony of Andy's friend Bill Apter (featured in here, by the way) that Andy had wanted to wrestle for the WWF at Madison Square Garden, but Bill told him Vince McMahon, Sr. would never go for it. Vince McMahon, Sr. was nowhere near the visionary his little boy Vince, Jr. was. Vincent James McMahon, while known as a compassionate man, was a strict wrestling promoter, and he firmly believed wrestling could never appeal to anybody but the beer drinking, cigar chomping bar stool crowd it did while he was running things, while his little boy Vincent Kennedy McMahon saw it as something that, if done correctly, could appeal to almost anybody. It was for these reasons that I truly believe while Vince Sr. wanted no part of Andy Kaufman's "God-man-woman-dog", "I'll send you back to the kitchen" wrestling women schtick, not only would Vince, Jr. have brought him in, he would have brought him in and loved every minute of it. I have opted not to use Mr. Kaufman's family or friends in this story, first of all because they're not really relevant to it and secondly out of fear of portraying them wrong.  
  
I realize there are those of you reading this who'll say, "Yeah, right. He wouldn't have kept wrestling," or "Vince McMahon never would have contacted Andy Kaufman." Whatever. But I'll bet that Andy's in Heaven watching WWF/WWE DVD footage to this day sulking that he never had the chance to work for Vince McMahon. And I know that wherever he is right now, Andy Kaufman is smiling at me.  
  
Chris Casino December, 2002 


	2. Text

The Wrestler magazine offices, New York City, August 1984 *********************************************************  
  
The instant ringing of his phone snapped senior editor Bill Apter's head up off of his desk. Staying up writing as well as editing articles in your office may be good for people like Jesse Owens, but not for a timid guy in his mid-thirties like poor Bill, or "Wonderful Willie" as he was called by most of his coworkers.  
  
"Hello?" he answered into the phone groggily.  
  
"Bill Apter?" presumed a middle-aged sounding woman's voice.  
  
"Yes, it is," he confirmed. "Who may I ask is calling?" "This is Linda McMahon, CEO of the World Wrestling Federation," the woman explained. "My husband Vince asked me to call you..."  
  
"Matt Brock already covered the new direction the WWF is taking, ma'am." He said.  
  
"We're both aware of that, Mr. Apter," Linda said. "Vince asked me to call because he heard you were the one who broke comedian Andy Kaufman into Jerry Lawler's promotion."  
  
"Yes, I was, because I knew your husband's father would have no part of it."  
  
"No, Vince my father-in-law wouldn't have," Linda told him. "However, Vince my husband thinks a man like Andy Kaufman is exactly what he needs."  
  
Bill rubbed his eyes and took a sip of coffee that his secretary was pouring him. He mulled this statement from Linda McMahon over for a while. So many people had thought his pal Andy was nuts that in the past year since he'd stopped wrestling for Jerry Lawler his career had taken a turn for the worst. What could Vince McMahon, Jr. possibly want from him?  
  
"I beg your pardon? You are aware that Andy's career is in a bit of a decline at the moment, Mrs. McMahon?" "Yes, I am," Linda assured him. "But if he pulls off what we have planned for him, maybe it will start his career up again. If you could call him and bring him to Allentown, PA in a week, we would like to discuss our plans for him." Hmmmm... Apter thought, and picked up the phone and dialed Andy Kaufman's number.  
  
"Hello?" said a shy, timid voice on the other end.  
  
"Hello, Andy, it's Bill Apter."  
  
"Oh, hi, Bill, how are you?" Andy Kaufman beamed on the other end of the line.  
  
"Hey, Andy, are you aware of the new direction the World Wrestling Federation is taking?"  
  
"Yeah!" Andy beamed again. "They have Hulk Hogan now and they're branching out into the entertainment field, too. I really like it now, but how did that happen, Bill? I thought you said Vince McMahon was a strict wrestling-only kind of guy."  
  
"Well, he was, but Vince McMahon, Jr., his son who does the announcing, bought him out two years ago and he sees it that way," Apter explained. "Plus, Vince Sr. passed on a few months ago. The reason I asked you is because I got a call just now from Vince, Jr.'s wife Linda and they want to talk to you next week."  
  
"Really? Why?"  
  
"I don't know," Bill told him. "They want me to bring you to Allentown, Pennsylvania next week where they tape their television shows so they can talk to you about appearing for them. But I have no idea what they want you to do. So are you up for it?"  
  
"Sure am."  
  
"Okay." Bill said. "I'll meet you at Philadelphia International Airport on Saturday, okay?"  
  
"You betcha." Andy said. "But first I have a call of my own to make."  
  
Andy Kaufman's Residence, San Francisco, An Hour Later ******************************************************  
  
Andy picked up the phone and dialed a long-distance number.  
  
"Hello?" answered a bright-sounding Southern resident whose accent was clearer than most Southerners.  
  
"Hello, Jerry, it's Andy Kaufman." Andy said to his old storyline nemesis/real-life friend Jerry "The King" Lawler.  
  
"Oh, hello, Andy, how the hell are you?" Jerry Lawler beamed on the other end of the line. They hadn't spoken in a while, and Jerry really missed having him in the CWA (his promotion), but alas, they had their run and it was over.  
  
"I'm fine, thanks," Andy replied. "I'm calling you because I just got a call from Bill Apter. He told me that Vince McMahon, Jr. wants to talk to me next week."  
  
"Oh, yeah!" Jerry recalled. "I saw on his show, they brought in Cyndi Lauper."  
  
"Is that okay with you?" Andy questioned.  
  
"Of course," Jerry replied, taken aback by the question. "Why wouldn't it be?"  
  
"Because I loved working with you so much," Andy explained. "And I know how competitive the wrestling promotions are, particularly the WWF..."  
  
"Oh, Andy, don't talk crazy!" Jerry insisted. "You told me when you came down that you always wanted to wrestle at Madison Square Garden, right?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Well now you got your chance," Jerry said. "I loved working with you and all, but we've had our run. You're still damn good for wrestling, and it's time you got your chance to prove it with the one promotion today that's branching out into show business and national exposure. We're happy just being a regional Southern business, but you need more for yourself, so you really should meet with Vince McMahon."  
  
"Really?" Andy said. "So no grudges?"  
  
"No way," Jerry assured him. "You gave me and Jerry Jarrett more publicity and business than we ever had. I'm forever in your debt, and I wish you the best of luck."  
  
"Thank you, Jerry." Andy said, touched.  
  
"Besides," Lawler added. "I have a feeling in my gut that we'll work together again some day."  
  
All Star-Wrestling taping, Fairgrounds Arena, Allentown, Pennsylvania, A Week Later **************************  
  
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper stepped through the curtains after rock singer Cyndi Lauper and her manager David Wolfe. A split-second later, Andy and Bill stepped through the backstage door in search of Vince McMahon, Jr.  
  
"Andy!" yelped Piper in surprise.  
  
Andy and Bill couldn't see Piper, but Andy looked around for a second and saw his old friend Roderick Toombs, a.k.a. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.  
  
"Roddy!" Andy greeted Piper cordially, shaking his hand.  
  
"Jesus Christ, man, I ain't seen you in like six years!" Piper beamed. "What the hell are you doin' here?"  
  
"I'm here to meet with Vince McMahon." Andy replied.  
  
"Really?" Piper mused. "I don't get along with him too well, but he should use you pretty well considering you guys seem to think alike when it comes to wrestling."  
  
"I guess we can only hope, huh?" Bill said.  
  
"That's right, Willie," Piper said. "Good luck to you, Andy."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Andy Kaufman?" said a booming voice from behind them.  
  
Andy and Bill turned around to face the larger than life presence of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Jr.  
  
"Yes, sir," Andy confirmed. He recognized McMahon because he'd seen him as an announcer on the show.  
  
Andy shook Vince's hand.  
  
"We'll talk in the other room, Mr. Kaufman," McMahon told him. "Linda and Hulk Hogan are there."  
  
Andy and Bill sat down at a round table in another room. Linda McMahon and Hulk Hogan awaited him. Andy was a tall guy, but to see Hulk Hogan and Andy Kaufman stand next to each other, you would immediately think of Shaquille O'Neal standing next to Willie Shoemaker.  
  
"Hello, Andy, I'm Linda McMahon." said Vince's wife Linda.  
  
"Hello, nice to meet you."  
  
"Hey, man," Hulk Hogan said to him. "I'm Terry Bollea, how you doing?"  
  
Andy stepped back and his enormous eyes boggled.  
  
"I see you haven't changed." Hulk said.  
  
"I beg your pardon, Terry?" Bill chimed in.  
  
"We met at the Chicago Ampitheater in '81," Hulk explained. "When Jerry Jarrett and Jerry Lawler booked me through Vince Sr. to do a show for them. I just said a quick hello to Mr. Kaufman here and he froze up just like now."  
  
"Oh, yeah, I remember." Andy acknowledged.  
  
"Well, you can relax, dude." Hulk told him. "We're professionals here."  
  
Andy relaxed and sat down with Bill.  
  
"Well, Mr. Kaufman, we have an event at the Garden we intend to launch next March," Vince announced. "It's called WrestleMania and we're inviting several celebrities to participate."  
  
"Is that what you want me to do?" Andy inquired.  
  
"Yes," Vince confirmed. "Terry here is forming an alliance with the star of The A-Team, Mr. T, and we're hoping to pair you up with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, who is our top heel."  
  
"He's an old friend of mine, too."  
  
"Is that right?" Vince remarked, interested.  
  
"Yeah, I met most of the guys because Bill and I used to come backstage."  
  
"I remember." Vince acknowledged. Piper hadn't worked for Vince, Sr. when Andy and Bill visited the backstage areas at the Garden, but Andy had gone to other Vince McMahon, Sr. connected promotions' events like the Crocketts on occasion and that was how they met.  
  
Vince and Linda laid out a plan whereby Andy would help Roddy harass Cyndi Lauper in the ring and brag about it on his segment, "Piper's Pit", and on a follow up Piper's Pit, Andy would help Piper interview Mr. T and get in a scuffle with him.  
  
"We're negotiating with the new network Music Television for a February broadcast of the buildup to WrestleMania." Linda explained. "You'd be participating in that as well."  
  
"Great!" Andy said, enthusiastically.  
  
"I must confess, I'm not a very big fan of yours, Andy," Hulk admitted. "But I think you could be good for us because for a comedian, you're one hell of a wrestling heel."  
  
"Thank you, sir." Andy said. "But I'm not a comedian, I'm a performance artist."  
  
"You can call me Terry," Hulk insisted. "And you're finally convinced I'm not going to kick the shit out of you, right?"  
  
"Right." Andy said. "But why bring me in now?"  
  
"Because I knew in the back of my mind it was a mistake for my Dad to turn you down," Vince explained. "And considering the feud you had with Jerry Lawler, I was obviously proven right, but I've never argued with my Dad. You took the first evolutionary step towards what we're doing, which we refer to as sports-entertainment. This is just our way of saying, as you might say, tank you veddy much, Andy Kaufman!"  
  
Andy and Bill laughed.  
  
"You are velcome veddy much, Meester MacMahon!" Andy said, in his Foreign Man voice.  
  
Madison Square Garden, October 1, 1984 **************************************  
  
As Andy watched WWF Martial Arts Champion Antonio Inoki defend his title on a monitor in the dressing room, something occurred to him to ask his wrestling mentor, former champion turned manager "Classy" Freddie Blassie, who was sitting next to him.  
  
"Fred, who'd you say this Japanese guy was?"  
  
"Antonio Inoki," Blassie replied. "He's a legend in Japan because he almost never loses. You gotta respect the son of a bitch for winning those kind of matches because nobody knows better than me how brutal it is. I explained that to you, didn't I?"  
  
"Yeah," Andy recalled. "There's no show business in Japanese wrestling at all, it's a shoot."  
  
A "shoot" is wrestling slang for a real fight.  
  
"Right," Blassie confirmed. "But it's kind of hard to lose when you're a wrestler and a promoter."  
  
Andy shrugged. He was happy to be wrestling at the Garden finally. It had been fun at Jerry Lawler's small Memphis promotion, but ever since he'd been a wrestling fan, Madison Square Garden, while a mega-profitable venue for almost any event booked there, had been known as the wrestling capital of the world.  
  
Roddy knocked on the door.  
  
"Andy, we got two minutes, let's go," He said. "Hi Fred."  
  
"Hi, Rod."  
  
"You ready, Andy?"  
  
"Mmm-Hmmm." Andy replied.  
  
"Let's rock and roll!" Roddy said and put his arm around Andy.  
  
"Who's this Antonio Inoki, Roddy?"  
  
"He's just a Japanese idiot who takes every chance he can to wrestle here because his product's a bunch of shit."  
  
"There you are!" Blassie beamed.  
  
As they walked out the door to the entrance way, Roddy remarked to Andy, "Just remember, pal, when you come through the curtain, you've got a clean slate here in the Federation. You can talk about your Inter-Gender title all you want, but don't talk about Memphis or Jerry Lawler."  
  
From the 1950's to the mid-1990's, wrestling promotions were strictly forbidden both to talk about the secrets of their business (which is why Andy fit in so well with them, he was just as masterful a magician as 1980's wrestlers) and to talk about other promotions on the air. The former because it was supposed to be conveyed as a real sport at the time and the latter because they did not want to turn off viewers who would probably watch other promotions to see what they'd say in rebuttal, and to convey that their promotions were the best.  
  
"Well, I was always told never to talk about other promotions anyway."  
  
"Just keep that in mind out there. And remember, I'm here if anybody gives you shit, cool?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
On Roddy's weekly talk show like segment, "Piper's Pit", he stood out there, his game face was on and the microphone in his hand. No longer was he Andy's good-natured friend Roderick Toombs from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, he was now "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, kilt wearing, bagpipe music entrance having mega heel, one-liner spewing lunatic whose biscuits weren't all done and all around American (or, more truthfully, Scottish/Canadian) bad ass.  
  
"Good evening, everybody!" He beamed, smiling at them like Jack Nicholson.  
  
Everybody in the Garden booed Roddy out of the building. He smiled.  
  
"Go ahead and boo me all you want, but just remember this, I ain't a New Yorker, so never will I get drunk, tell a crying homeless kid to shove it and go home and punch my wife around!" He spewed out, hoping to God he wouldn't get stoned when he left the building tonight but he knew he probably would because ninety-eight percent of the time if he didn't leave the building after all the fans had gone home, he would have to sprint to his car.  
  
"Anyway," he continued. "I'd just like to begin the show by bringing out a man you all know, he used to play Latka on Taxi and he's also known as the Inter-Gender champion of the world, Andy Kaufman!"  
  
Andy came out to the theme from Mighty Mouse and did his usual schtick of waving to the fans and blowing phony kisses to them. Once he was finished, he came into the ring, smiled at Roddy and shook his hand, all of which was met with a rousing chorus of boos.  
  
"Hello, Mr. Piper!" He said, immediately immersing himself in his character as he usually did. "I must say, it's an honor and a privilege to be on Piper's Pit. It's nice to be in the company of a Federation superstar with some class rather than that bleach blond male bimbo Hulk Hogan!"  
  
The fans booed him.  
  
"SHADDAP!" He commanded. "SHADDAP!"  
  
"And I must say," Piper continued. "It's rather nice to be in the company of a celebrity with some class as well, rather than that Cyndi Lauper, who's apparently unaware that Halloween is just once a year!"  
  
Out of nowhere, Cyndi Lauper's hit song/wrestling anthem Girls Just Want to Have Fun hit the airwaves and WWF women's champion Wendi Richter (who used the song as her theme), Lauper, and her manager/boyfriend David Wolfe emerged from behind the curtain and jumped into the ring. Lauper grabbed the microphone from Piper.  
  
"Hey, listen, Piper, and you listen too, Kaufman," Lauper spewed out. "I ain't no freak and Hulk Hogan ain't no..."  
  
"You know what we do to women with voices like Ms. Lauper's where I come from, Andy?"  
  
"No, I don't, Roddy. What exactly do you do?"  
  
Roddy "punched" Cyndi Lauper and he and Andy stomped on her. Wendi Richter and Dave Wolfe pushed Andy off, but Piper decked them too.  
  
Suddenly, "Eye of the Tiger" played and Terry emerged to clean house of Roddy and Andy. Enraged, Andy grabbed the nearest WWF microphone as commentator Gene Okerlund bellowed, "The Hulkster has come to the aid of Wendi Richter, Cyndi Lauper and her manager David Wolfe!"  
  
"I'LL SUE YOU, HOGAN!" Andy screamed at the top of his lungs as the fans booed both him and Piper more than ever. "I'LL SUE YOU ALL! SHADDAP!"  
  
Backstage, Terry approached Andy.  
  
"Andy?" he said, tapping him on the shoulder.  
  
Andy turned around, screamed, and immediately put both of his arms up to cover his face.  
  
"Are you gonna start that shit again?" Terry groaned.  
  
"What do you want, Mr. Hogan?"  
  
"Call me Terry."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because that's my name," he explained. "Terry Bollea."  
  
"Really?" Andy marveled. He'd always thought he looked like a Hulk Hogan.  
  
"Yeah, Vince McMahon, Sr. named me Hulk Hogan. It's embarrassing considering I have no Irish blood in me at all. I just wanted to let you know, you did a great job tonight, pal."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome. From here, you do the altercation with Mr. T and then we go to the War to Settle the Score by February. If you have any suggestions, don't be too shy to let us know."  
  
"Got it."  
  
"You didn't really think my first name was Hulk, did you?" he laughed. "I was too fat to be called Hulk when I was a baby."  
  
"Well, no," Andy said. "But you look more like a Hulk Hogan than a Terry Bollea."  
  
Terry shrugged and bopped his head a bit.  
  
All-Star Wrestling, October 7, 1984 ***********************************  
  
Andy sat with Terry, Vince McMahon, Andre the Giant, his old buddy from Memphis "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart and John Minton (a.k.a. Big John Studd) at lunch a few hours before the taping. The big guys near him had big plates of T-bone steak, baked potato and broccoli (Minton), a plate of French food (Andre), a Rotisserie chicken with stuffing and a potato (Terry), while the other three had vegetarian plates. Andy was finished his food, and just started in on his dessert of Breyers chocolate ice cream.  
  
"Wipe your mouth, Andy." Terry said.  
  
Andy took a handkerchief and wiped his mouth.  
  
"I don't blame you," Terry assured him. "I'm a big ice cream man myself."  
  
"So there's no hostility towards me here?" Andy questioned.  
  
"No, boss," Andre said, calling Andy what he called everybody he liked. "You make the product more interesting."  
  
With that, Andre finished his one hundredth bottle of beer. Andy was a lifelong nonsmoker and had rarely drank since high school, but it amazed him that anyone, even a 7'5" man like Andre could consume that much alcohol in less than an hour.  
  
"Amazing, isn't it?" Terry remarked, reading his mind. "I see this on a daily basis sometimes."  
  
As it happened, Andre wasn't finished. He still had nine more of them in front of him and as he opened the first of them, Andy thought he was going to get sick watching him, so he turned his attention to somebody else.  
  
"I'm glad you're running things, Vince," Andy remarked. "With you, the wrestling business gets to be exactly what I tried to make it."  
  
"Well, I tried to tell my Dad not to turn you down, but he wouldn't listen." Vince explained.  
  
"I don't blame him," Andy said. "There was some hostility down in Memphis when I was there and it probably would have been the same if I'd been here in New York."  
  
"Well, even though I had some disagreements with Vince Sr., he was a really great guy." Terry remarked.  
  
Later that day, an hour prior to the taping, Andy was confronted by Lawrence Tureaud, better known as television star, Mr. T, whom he would be working with in the WWF. Though he was no more of a wrestler than Andy, both men's careers were based solely on their personalities, and you could circle the globe without finding two such complete opposite personalities as Mr. T and Andy Kaufman. Andy was about four or five inches taller than T, but T was much more physically imposing. He was about five foot eleven without an ounce of fat on his body and had won a tough man contest in Chicago which gained him a featured role in Rocky III as Rocky Balboa's arch nemesis Clubber Lang (which was the first time he'd uttered what would eventually become his catch phrase, "I pity the fool!" and incidentally had also been where he'd met Terry, as he had a cameo in it as the wrestler Thunderlips). From there, T went on to play the role of B.A. Barracus on The A-Team. His other trademark was that he was the only African American on TV who wore fifty pounds of gold and had an Indian-style Mohawk.  
  
"Hey, Latka!" T roared at him. He didn't sound too happy to Andy.  
  
"Yes, Mr. T?" Andy said, shyly.  
  
"I just seen you hanging out with my partner Hulk Hogan," he pointed out. "I don't like that at all."  
  
Being an introvert for the most part, Andy had no idea how to handle a guy like this. After all, he was a complete weak suck while T was not a weak suck at all.  
  
"Uh, well..." Andy began.  
  
Enraged for whatever reason, T grabbed Andy by the throat and pushed him against the wall.  
  
"Now you listen here, you little twerp," T roared. "You stay the hell away from my partner, or I'll break you in half. Are we clear on that, sucka?"  
  
"What's goin' on here?" Roddy demanded, putting his hand on T's shoulder.  
  
"Nothin' going on, man!" T insisted. "I'm just telling Kaufman here to stay away from my partner Hulk Hogan."  
  
"He's only your partner in the ring, T," Roddy pointed out. "In real life, he could hang out with whoever the hell he wants. And Andy here's a good friend of mine, so if you screw around with him, I'll kill you, you understand me?"  
  
Roddy and T stared each other down for a moment before T finally backed off and left the room.  
  
"Oh, thank you, Roddy!" Andy said. "I thought for sure he was gonna kill me."  
  
"Ah, who cares?" Roddy retorted. "That guy's an asshole!"  
  
It was this kind of mentality that would seep through the promo the trio had to do on the show later.  
  
Piper's Pit, Forty-Five Minutes Later *************************************  
  
Roddy and Andy strolled out to the parking lot, a WWF microphone in Roddy's hand, where Mr. T sat in one of those director's chairs with his back towards them.  
  
"Well, here we go, Andy," Roddy remarked, closely approaching T. "We've got Mr. T with us, star of The A-Team, one of the most successful shows in the history of shows..."  
  
"But not as successful as Taxi!" Andy added.  
  
"No, I don't think so," Roddy agreed. "Hey, T, man, it must be a real honor for you to be on Piper's Pit, here with me and my buddy Andy Kaufman..."  
  
Roddy noticed T wasn't looking at him. Although this was how they planned it, he secretly thought it was a holdover from their little altercation earlier.  
  
"Hey, T, I'm talkin' to you, pal!" He snapped. "I'm trying to ask you how you feel being on Piper's Pit?"  
  
Finally, T decided to go ahead with the bit and stare him down with his trademark menacing glare.  
  
"Boy, you ain't nothin', man!" T said. "And neither are you, Latka!"  
  
"Oh, I ain't nothin'?" Roddy repeated. "I'm one of the World Wrestling Federation's top wrestlers..."  
  
"I seen what you been doin' on TV, man!" T roared. "You've been fightin' 'dem little wimps!"  
  
"Wimps?" he said. "Well, let's see, the only wimps I can think of are... Eh, Cyndi Lauper's manager, Dave Wolfe, he's a wimp..."  
  
"Yeah, speakin' 'bout Cyndi Lauper," T raged, starting to get even more pissed. "She happens to be my friend. We go out to dinner sometimes 'cause I like her singing. And I heard about what you two fools did to her in Madison Square Garden. I don't like that at all!"  
  
"Well, you know what I don't like?" Andy raged. "The fact that you, Face, Murdoch and Hannibal can fire a million clips an episode but never kill a single bad guy!"  
  
T took a shot at Andy, and Piper took a swing back at him. T and Roddy started to brawl, only to be held off by security.  
  
"YOU MESS WITH ME, T, I'LL PUT AN 'X' ON YOUR NAME!" Roddy bellowed on the mic, doing one of his infamous ad-libs.  
  
Out of nowhere, T started to attack Andy.  
  
"You think you're such a big star, T," Andy roared. "I'll send you back to bouncing where you belong!"  
  
Andy was in the dressing room after the bit, packing his stuff up when he noticed the shadows of Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon behind him. Out of nowhere, Vince pulled him in close, gave him a hug and bellowed out his booming laugh which would become infamous fifteen years later.  
  
"You did a great job out there, Andy," Vince told him. "You're a great heel."  
  
"Thank you, Mr. McMahon," Andy said. "I'm having a lot of fun too."  
  
"Hey, Andy," Hulk remarked. "We heard you had some kind of problem with Mr. T a little while ago."  
  
Andy nodded, secretly saying to himself: I can't believe how fast word travels in this locker room.  
  
"What did he say to you?" Hulk demanded.  
  
"He just seemed to be confusing the storylines with reality, telling me to stay away from you because he's your partner and I'm the heel or something," Andy explained. "He seems to have quite a temper on him."  
  
"Don't worry about T, man, I'll straighten him out," Hulk assured him. "He's pretty hotheaded, but he'll listen to me."  
  
"How'd you hear?"  
  
"Roddy," Hulk explained. "He came to us after your bit and told us what happened."  
  
The next week, during a show at the Garden, Andy was to tape an interview with Vince McMahon. While Vince was the owner behind the scenes and most casual fans knew that, as far as the show was concerned, he was strictly a mild-mannered announcer and it would take twelve years for him to come clean and admit that to the public.  
  
"Okay, Andy, we're on in five, four, three..." Vince said to the cameraman.  
  
At the same time, commentator Gorilla Monsoon was saying, "We take you back to Vince McMahon."  
  
"I'm standing here with the self-proclaimed Inter-Gender Champion of the World, Andy Kaufman," Vince announced. "And Mr. Kaufman, I must ask you, are you completely crazy? You're hanging around "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and insulting all of our invited guests in the World Wrestling Federation..."  
  
"Mr. McMahon, Mr. McMahon," Andy interrupted. "I am the Inter-Gender Champion of the World! I have a lot of money, and I make millions of dollars in Hollywood, and I can do anything I want! I only wrestle women, but if your people like Hulk Hogan or Mr. T want to mess around with me, I'm on them like glue. But I want to issue a challenge right now."  
  
"You want to issue a challenge to whom?" Vince repeated.  
  
"Your WWF women's champion Wendi Richter," Andy replied. "I'm the Inter-Gender Champion, and I want to wrestle her and send her back to the kitchen where she belongs."  
  
"Well, it remains to be seen whether or not she accepts your challenge..." Vince began.  
  
"Well, if she doesn't, it proves to me she's just like every other woman I've ever fought, a great big coward!"  
  
"Now hold on a minute," Vince persisted, playing the ultimate babyface (wrestling slang for "good guy") announcer, as he did in the 1980's. "Wendi Richter is no coward, Mr. Kaufman."  
  
"Well, Mr. McMahon, if she wants to prove it, I'm right here."  
  
"And we're clear!" The director said, as Vince dropped the fake bewildered look off of his face.  
  
"Thanks, Andy. That was terrific as usual."  
  
Two days later, Andy and Bill were having dessert at one of Andy's favorite ice cream parlors in New York. Bill was chatting away at Andy.  
  
"You're doing really well with this program, Andy," he remarked. "I took a poll asking the casual fans here in New York how bad they hated you and nearly all of them said they hope Hogan breaks your neck too."  
  
Andy just laughed it up.  
  
"That's great!" he said. "I didn't even think I'd ever be allowed at another wrestling promotion after the Lawler feud, but thank God for Vince McMahon, Jr.!"  
  
"No kidding," Bill agreed. "So it's gonna be you and Roddy against Hulk and T?"  
  
"Yeah," Andy said. "I'm not on the best of terms with Mr. T, so I hope he doesn't hurt me."  
  
"Ah, I'm sure he won't... Andy?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"When we get outside, you run to my car as fast as you can."  
  
"Why?" he inquired.  
  
He looked outside the window and saw at least twelve media people flashing pictures of him and holding microphones.  
  
"Let's go, quickly!" Bill commanded.  
  
Andy and Bill left the money for the tab on the table and rapidly ran out to Bill's car. The media people followed him and were not slow in asking him questions, like:  
  
"Andy, are you really friends with Hulk Hogan?" "How do you expect to reestablish your career now?" "Are you gonna bodyslam Mr. T?"  
  
Bill pushed Andy into the car, closed his door and drove away.  
  
"That was more media attention than I got in my entire career!" Andy remarked.  
  
Madison Square Garden, October 26'th, 1984 ******************************************  
  
Ring announcer Howard Finkel stood in the ring, preparing to announce Andy's match with Wendi Richter.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the Inter-Gender Championship match!"  
  
The audience applauded.  
  
Wendi Richter entered first with Cyndi Lauper and Dave Wolfe.  
  
"Introducing first, from Dallas, Texas, weighing in at 145 pounds, accompanied by her manager, Cyndi Lauper, the World Wrestling Federation Ladies' Champion, Wendi Richter!"  
  
She came out and whispered something in Cyndi Lauper's ear.  
  
"And her opponent..." Finkel began. "From Hollywood, California, weighing in at one hundred and fifty-six pounds: The Inter-Gender Champion of the World, ANDY KAUFMAN!"  
  
Andy came down in his green bathrobe which covered up his white thermal outfit which he used as wrestling gear. As he went down to the ring doing his usual schtick of blowing phony kisses to the fans, smiling and waving at them as they booed him out of the building, it occurred to him that he was getting back in the ring. That gave him a warm feeling.  
  
What didn't give him such a warm feeling was the fact that the fans in the arena, male and female alike, were screaming, "KILL HIM, WENDI! KICK HIS ASS!"  
  
To this day, it stumped Andy that people actually believed that wrestling women stuff was real. Most casual fans of professional wrestling over four years of age could tell it wasn't real, and if they couldn't, it was really time to change the channel. It was because of this that he believed people would never believe he was serious about what he did in the ring. But a lot of people did and he could never figure out why. Most of these same people thought Andy was a sexist pig, but he was not sexist at all. In fact, he publicly stated in 1981, "It is possible for a woman to beat me in wrestling. I always say that it's impossible, and I only say that just to get everyone really excited and mad at me, but I do recognize that it's very entirely possible that I can be beaten by a woman."  
  
During the match, Andy did his usual amateur-style grappling, during which he was able to give instructions to Richter, which pro wrestlers usually did during the match after talking about it beforehand.  
  
"Hey, baby, give me your number." He commanded.  
  
"What?" Richter snapped. Andy hadn't talked to her before the match. His matches with women usually involved him whispering sweet nothings into his opponent's ear so he could get to date them afterwards, but also because this was how she would get to realize that it was all part of his act and that it wasn't a serious contest, ergo he would be able to beat them.  
  
"Whisper your number in my ear!" he repeated. Andy had a feeling she was taking her role just as seriously as the fans were.  
  
With that, Richter got so shocked that Andy was able to flip her over and pin her.  
  
"Here is your winner, and still Inter-Gender Champion of the World, Andy Kaufman!" Howard Finkel announced.  
  
BOOOOOOOO! HISSSSS! The crowd bellowed. Andy did his wrestling hero "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers' trick of pointing to his head and shouting, "I have the brains!"  
  
Andy did some playful kicks to Wendi and he could tell she was really pissed.  
  
A few minutes later, Andy headed to the back in search of Wendi Richter. He saw Dave Wolfe and Cyndi Lauper.  
  
"Excuse me," he said, as politely and timidly as he could. "Do you know where Miss Richter is?"  
  
"She's a few doors down on the right." Dave Wolfe replied.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
He knocked on Wendi Richter's door. She was out of her wrestling gear when she answered it, but she was not happy to see Andy, and gave him the dirtiest look he'd ever gotten from any woman he'd ever wrestled.  
  
"What the hell do you want, you asshole?" She demanded. Her yelling was not the most pleasant thing in the world since she had the thickest Southern accent Andy had ever heard. He was an expert since a year before he went to Memphis on almost a weekly basis.  
  
"Oh, hey," he said, lightening up and dropping his character. "I hope you didn't take all of that seriously out there. It's all just part of my act."  
  
"Part of your act?"  
  
"Sure," Andy persisted. "You guys have your acts and I have mine. I didn't mean any of that stuff I said out there. It's just to get people to react to me. That's why I love wrestling so much and that's why I do it. I've been doing it since 1978 and I still can't believe people take it as seriously as they do."  
  
"I see," She said, finally. "Well, thank you for clearing the air, Mr. Kaufman."  
  
"You're welcome," He said. "I'll see you later."  
  
***  
  
MSG, The War to Settle the Score, February, 1985 ************************************************  
  
Andy and Roddy arrived together at the Garden for this event, which was the buildup for WrestleMania on Sunday, March 31. Vince had told Andy a month earlier after he took a short hiatus from WWF TV to train for his ring action with Roddy that the main event at WrestleMania would be Hulk Hogan and Mr. T vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Andy Kaufman. During this short hiatus, he had spent time in Long Island with his parents and younger siblings Michael and Carol for his thirty-sixth birthday. As when he wrestled before, they were not pleased, but this time they accepted it since Stanley Kaufman, his father, who handled his finances personally, was accepting bigger paydays from Vince McMahon than he ever did from anyone else who paid Andy. The main event for this evening, however, was Roddy vs. Hulk with Andy and Mr. T in their respective corners. The main event was being broadcast live on the four year old network Music Television, or MTV, with sportscaster Bob Costas as the guest ring announcer.  
  
The third man in Roddy's corner for the evening, "Cowboy" Bob Orton, awaited them when they arrived.  
  
"Hi, Rod." Orton greeted Roddy.  
  
"Hey, Bob, how's it goin'?" Roddy greeted him back. "Hey, this is my pal, Andy Kaufman."  
  
"Hello." Andy greeted Bob.  
  
"Hey, Andy, how you doing?" Bob said. "Roddy's gonna wear a Hulkamania shirt to mock Terry, you gonna do something to that effect?"  
  
"Yes, but I'd prefer not to say until I'm out there. Or at least until I see Vince."  
  
"Hey, boss," said Andre the Giant, who came and put his left hand, which was of course as large as a normal-sized foot, on Andy's shoulder. "How've you been?"  
  
"Fine, thanks, Andre," Andy said. "You're gonna wrestle John at the March show?"  
  
"Yeah, slam match, boss," Andre replied. "He's as big as me, but he won't win. I like him, but he's not worthy of winning."  
  
"Okay." Andy said. Andy was shy and timid by nature, but around a guy like Andre, who was at least quadruple his size if not more, he was ready to wet his pants. Andre was a helluva nice guy if he liked you, but he'd been known to scare even his closest friends sometimes.  
  
Andy walked over to Vince and Linda McMahon, who were with two children, the first was a boy in a Hulk Hogan t-shirt who looked to be about fifteen and a little girl who looked about seven or eight.  
  
"Hello, Vince." Andy greeted his boss. "Mrs. McMahon."  
  
"Hello, Andy." Both McMahons greeted him.  
  
"Oh, Andy, I want you to meet our children," Linda said, "This is our son Shane."  
  
"Hi, Mr. Kaufman," Shane greeted him, shaking his hand.  
  
"Hi, Shane. It's nice to meet you."  
  
"And this is our daughter, Stephanie," Linda said.  
  
"Hello, sweetheart." Andy greeted eight year old Stephanie, kissing her hand. He loved children, mostly because he never really grew up, so he understood them.  
  
"How old are you?" Stephanie asked.  
  
"Why do you ask?" Andy inquired, chuckling.  
  
"Because you look like you go to high school with Shane."  
  
The elder McMahons, Shane and Andy laughed.  
  
"Well, that's not the first time I've heard it," Andy told her. "I still have the same face I had when I was your age, in fact." The kids went off with WWF announcer Pat Patterson, who was also Vince's best friend.  
  
"Hey, Andy, what were you planning to wear tonight?" inquired Vince.  
  
Andy paused for dramatic effect.  
  
"Okay, I'm gonna take off my jacket to show you guys. And if you don't like it, I have normal street clothes I can wear. You ready?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Andy took off his jacket to reveal he was wearing a red and yellow Hulkamania t-shirt with the "Hulka" part crossed out and the word "Kauf" above where it used to be.  
  
Vince and Linda cracked up.  
  
"That's brilliant!" Vince roared. "That's absolutely classic! Show Terry if you see him. Oh, wait a minute, here he comes. Hey, Monster!"  
  
"Who's Monster?" Andy asked Linda.  
  
"That's what Vince likes to call Terry," She explained. "You know, as in 'I've created a monster'?"  
  
"Ah!" Andy mouthed, nodding. He certainly understood that.  
  
"What's up, brother?" Terry inquired as he approached them with Mr. T.  
  
"Monster, look at Andy's getup for this evening..." Vince commanded. "And try to keep a straight face."  
  
"I can do that, Vince, I told you I never was a fan of Andy's act..." Terry began. Then he got a look at Andy's shirt. He had said he'd never laughed at Andy (which was fine by him because he never tried to make people laugh anyway), but this time he laughed.  
  
"Jesus Christ, man, that's priceless!" Terry laughed. "The fans are gonna go ape shit!"  
  
"That's what I'm hoping." Andy remarked.  
  
At ringside, Howard Finkel handed the microphone to Bob Costas. Over the years, many celebrities who were not wrestling fans appeared in the WWF as guests just for a quick payday, and Costas was one of them. Years later, he would publicly bash wrestling as "fake nonsense" and go out of his way to make Vince McMahon look stupid on his own HBO show. Right now, however, he had a job to do and he was going to do it regardless of his motivation.  
  
"Thank you, Howard, thank you." Costas said, looking at his cue cards. "This is the main event. Introducing first, the challenger..."  
  
Roddy's bagpipes began playing and he, Andy, all decked out in his Kaufmania shirt, and Orton emerged from behind the curtain, all of them wearing phony smiles. Roddy wore a Hulkamania shirt with his kilt to mock Hogan as well, but Andy's was going over much better. It must have been because a man in a seat near the entrance way tried to throw a Miller Lite beer bottle at him. Luckily for Andy, he missed. Roddy carried a heavy metal guitar, appropriate for members of Van Halen, because Vince told him beforehand to mock MTV.  
  
"Accompanied by the Inter-Gender Champion of the World, Andy Kaufman and 'Cowboy' Bob Orton," Costas finished. "From Glascow, Scotland, weighing in at 252 pounds: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper!"  
  
Once in the ring, Roddy kneeled down and gave his phony "I love you" signs, which made his heat even bigger. He and Andy proceeded to break the guitar in half.  
  
"Oh, good Lord, Gino!" Commentator Jesse Ventura yelped. "Rowdy Roddy and Andy Kaufman broke that guitar in half."  
  
"That must have cost fifteen thousand dollars..." Gorilla Monsoon agreed. "Roddy, telling the world, this is what I think of rock 'n' roll..."  
  
"And his opponent..." Costas began. Instantly "Eye of the Tiger" started playing and Terry emerged from the locker room with T, Cyndi Lauper, and "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, a charismatic, high-flying wrestler from the Fiji Islands who was also feuding with Piper in the storylines.  
  
"Accompanied by the star of the A-Team, Mr. T, Cyndi Lauper and 'Superfly' Jimmy Snuka, from Venice Beach, California, weighing in at 302 pounds, the World Wrestling Federation Champion... HULK HOGAN!"  
  
Mr. T came out decked in his own Hulkamania shirt, but unlike Roddy and Andy he was supposed to be serious about it. He shot Andy a dirty look. Andy felt tension between them. After Terry was done cupping his hand to his ear and pointing at Piper menacingly, he noticed T looking at Andy and shot him a look right back, as if to ask, "What'd I tell you, T?" Which actually worked well, because the crowd assumed it was him telling T, "Good job, buddy."  
  
Luckily, T backed off and everybody but the two combatants left the ring. Terry and Roddy battled furiously for several minutes. Mr. T and Cyndi Lauper stood together, and Andy stood on his side of the ring, doing his version of the Buddy Rogers strut and bellowing to the fans, "Kaufmania is running wild!" While Orton laughed hysterically at him.  
  
Out of nowhere, Terry yelled, "Your cue, Andy!" while Roddy was choking him on the mat.  
  
Andy quickly ran into the ring and stomped on Terry while Roddy had him down. Cyndi Lauper quickly ran in and jumped on his back.  
  
"Don't worry, Andy," she told him, as she could tell he was worried about her sudden spontaneity. "Just a last minute decision. Now flip me off your back and tie me to the ring ropes.  
  
"Okay." Andy said. He flipped her off his back and tied her to the ring ropes. Piper, Andy and Orton were ready to double-team her when Mr. T and Jimmy Snuka jumped in the ring and made the save, Mr. T pounding on Andy, and Snuka on Orton. Around this point, Terry recovered and joined his boys, preparing to kick some Federation heel ass when Andy, Roddy and Orton quickly beat it out of there and back to the locker room. Mr. T and Terry tended to Cyndi Lauper for a second, before Terry got on the microphone and screamed, "PIPER... KAUFMAN... ORTON, GET YOUR BUTTS BACK OUT HERE!"  
  
The crowd cheered approvingly.  
  
"And your winner, as a result of a disqualification, and still the World Wrestling Federation Champion... HULK HOGAN!" Costas announced as T, Snuka and Cyndi Lauper took turns raising his hand in the air.  
  
Back in real life, Roddy and Andy were laughing their heads off all the way back to the dressing room.  
  
"Good job, boys." Orton remarked as he walked away.  
  
"Thanks." Roddy and Andy said.  
  
"Oh, boy, that was fun!" Andy exclaimed. "So we start the training again tomorrow?"  
  
"Yup," Roddy replied. "The good news is, other than the press conference we all have to do, Terry and T will be doing all the promotional stuff, so you don't have to worry about any of that."  
  
"Oh, good."  
  
Memphis, Tennessee, Two Days Later **********************************  
  
Paula Lawler, still holding her morning coffee, stepped a foot outside of her door to fetch the morning paper. As she sipped her coffee, she read a headline which made her eyes boggle.  
  
"Jerry, babe, you gotta see this," She told her husband Jerry Lawler as he sat down to his bacon and eggs. "You won't believe it."  
  
"What is it?" inquired Jerry.  
  
He then saw the paper's headline, which read: TV CELEBRITIES IN PRO WRESTLING SCUFFLE and below it was a picture of Terry and T confronting Roddy and Andy at the previous night's WWF MTV broadcast.  
  
Jerry cracked up laughing.  
  
"That's just great!" he roared. "Andy's at it again!"  
  
All-Star Wrestling, the following Saturday ******************************************  
  
WWF announcer "Mean" Gene Okerlund prepared to interview Terry and T for the setup to WrestleMania.  
  
"All right, ladies and gentlemen, Mean Gene Okerlund here with the World Wrestling Federation champion Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, come on in here, boys," Okerlund stated. "We understand that thanks to your little altercation at the MTV broadcast, WWF officials have booked the main event at WrestleMania, and it is to be you two gentlemen against "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Andy Kaufman."  
  
The audience cheered louder than ever.  
  
"Well ya know somethin', Mean Gene," Terry bellowed, uttering his infamous catchphrase whenever he was interviewed by Mean Gene. "My main man Mr. T is Hollywood's biggest Hulkamaniac and he came here as the Hulkster's invited guest, and Piper is just plain cowardly for getting in his face. As far as his little lackey, Andy Kaufman goes, dude, either one of us could take him with one hand tied behind our backs. But Andy Kaufman, you've insulted the honor of not only me, not only Mr. T, but also everybody in the WWF, all the little Hulksters, and all of your celebrity peers, and what'cha gonna do when the power of Hulkamania runs wild on you?"  
  
"It was destiny that brought us together, Mean Gene," T yelped, putting his hand on Okerlund's shoulder. "We are the dream team."  
  
"We gotta hit the gym, man," Terry said. "We gotta train hard, we gotta get in shape, T."  
  
"Yeah, the dream team, man," T agreed. He looked at the camera. "I pity them two fools Piper and Kaufman. But Kaufman, I promise you something, if you mess with my main man Hulk Hogan, you'll learn exactly why Mr. T is known as the toughest man ever to walk the streets of Chicago, Illinois!"  
  
Terry and T left to a rousing ovation.  
  
"World Wrestling Federation champion Hulk Hogan and Mr. T," Okerlund announced. "Back to you, Vince McMahon!"  
  
Meanwhile, Andy and Roddy traveled to Anaheim, California, to the house of Andy's promoter friend, Larry Burton, where Andy's "palatial Hollywood estate" promos for Jerry Lawler's promotion had been shot at.  
  
"Uh, Roddy Piper, this is Larry Burton," Andy said. "Larry Burton, this is 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper."  
  
"Hey, Roddy, nice to meet you," Larry greeted Roddy cordially.  
  
"Hey, Larry."  
  
Larry's cameraman prepared as Andy and Roddy sat down by his pool.  
  
"You know what, Hogan and T," Andy began, playing his character. "I've heard all of this junk you idiots have been saying about us on television. You guys are booked in a match against us, all right, fine, we're not afraid of you. But you know what your weaknesses are, boys? You actually care what your fans think of you. You think the fans' opinions of you are more important than being filthy rich. My good pal Roddy and I don't have that problem. What do you say, Hot Rod?"  
  
"I say you're right about all of that, Andy," Roddy beamed. "And the reason Hogan and T care what the fans think is because when T was cutting himself his hairdo, he was unaware that the blade would cut right through his skull and into his brain, just like Hulk Hogan is unaware that peroxide not only takes your hair out, it also rots your brains. Toodle-oo!"  
  
Two days later, at a televised show at the Los Angeles Sports Arena, Terry and Andre tagged up against Roddy and John in the main event of the evening. As a way to promote the event, Andy (who was subbing for legendary heel manager Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, who managed John and was out sick) and T were handcuffed together to prevent Andy from interfering.  
  
Just as he got to the building, Andy noticed Vince talking to one of his mid-card heels, "Dr. D" David Schultz. Schultz was moderately talented, but there was just nothing special about him. But evidentially he thought he was the best they had.  
  
"I can't do it, David!" Vince was saying.  
  
"Come on, man!" Schultz begged. "Dr. D and Mr. T! Think of it!"  
  
"Hey, Andy, come here!" Vince said, noticing him near them. "Get this: You're familiar with David here, right?"  
  
"Sure," Andy confirmed. "Dr. D David Schultz."  
  
"Well, you know how you're scheduled to face Terry and T with Roddy next month and you already cut a promo to do so?"  
  
"Yeah?" Andy acknowledged.  
  
"Well, David wants to tag up with T in the main event." Vince explained.  
  
Andy laughed his ass off.  
  
"What's so funny, Kaufman, man?" Schultz demanded. "Dr. D and Mr. T!"  
  
"I'm sorry to laugh, uh, David," Andy said. "But you expect Vince to turn you babyface, which wouldn't make a lot of sense, to replace Terry in the main event at WrestleMania, which would make even less sense, to tag up with Mr. T against Roddy and I, which would make the least sense of all. I just find that kind of humorous."  
  
"Why?" demanded Schultz, getting right in Andy's face.  
  
"Well," Andy said, worried about a beating. "Looking at it logically, Mr. Schultz, I mean, what would make more money, Dr. D and Mr. T or Terry B and Mr. T?"  
  
"He's got you there, Dave!" yelled Cowboy Bob Orton.  
  
During the match, as Andy enjoyed watching the action from a fan's standpoint, as he always did, he had difficulty being handcuffed to T. The problem was, the fans would cheer, "T! T! T! T!" And he would turn around, smile at them and raise his arms, which would then almost tear Andy's out of their sockets. Andy had been involved in pro wrestling before, so at least unlike T he knew enough not to do things like that.  
  
"Uh, T," Andy said quietly so the fans couldn't hear him. "I'm on the other end of these handcuffs..."  
  
"Ah, shut up, you stupid fool!" T roared.  
  
The crowd applauded.  
  
Terry and Andre (whose matches usually ended however the hell he wanted them to) wound up winning the match by disqualification as Andy got some keys for the cuffs, undid himself and jumped into the ring and onto Andre's back. So as not to hurt his little buddy, Andre gently shook Andy off his back.  
  
The biggest surprise of all came when David Schultz power walked down to the ring. This was completely unscripted.  
  
"What's he doing here?" Roddy demanded.  
  
John shrugged.  
  
Out of nowhere, David started to beat on both Andy and T with a crowbar he was carrying. The fans were shocked.  
  
"DR. D AND MR. T, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" he was screaming.  
  
Thankfully, Vince stepped in and ordered David back to the dressing room. The wrestlers were able to preserve kayfabe (meaning the secret code) by Terry taking T back to the locker room and Roddy and John taking Andy.  
  
"Now what the hell were you thinking, David?" Vince roared at Schultz as Linda looked on. "These two men are guests of the World Wrestling Federation who are going to bring us a lot of national publicity and money, and you want to risk scaring them off by beating the shit out of them because I'm not going to be illogical and let you team with Mr. T?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Vince," Schultz said, sloppily, making an excuse because he knew he was in boiling hot water. "I guess I just wasn't thinking."  
  
"Well, you'll have plenty of time to think in the future, Mr. Schultz," Linda said. "You're through here in the World Wrestling Federation!"  
  
In Terry's dressing room, he and Roddy were trying to comfort Andy, who was sobbing like a baby. Although there was a mutual respect between Terry and Roddy, at times they didn't get along. However Andy liked both of them and both of them liked him, so they were at his side now.  
  
"I didn't mean any harm." He sobbed. "I just said it made no sense to have him tag up with T."  
  
"And you're absolutely right, Andy," Terry assured him. "David was just pissed because he's not part of the main event."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really," Roddy assured him. "In fact, don't you worry about good old Dr. D, I'll take care of him."  
  
Roddy confronted Schultz as he was packing his stuff up. At his insistence, Andy was with him.  
  
"Listen, Dave, buddy," Roddy said. "I know it can be a little frustrating when promoters look past you for a major card, even when you're not even remotely worthy of the spot you're asking for. And I don't give a rat's ass what you did to Mr. T because he deserved it. But Andy here's my friend, and he's one of the nicest guys I know. Now you apologize to him."  
  
"I will not!" Schultz said. "And it doesn't matter anyway because I just got canned."  
  
"I don't give a shit that you just got canned!" Roddy roared. "Andy's my pal, and I don't like seeing him hurt, now you apologize to him."  
  
Schultz took a swing at Roddy but missed. Roddy judo kicked him in the back and twisted his arm behind it. He was holding him by the wrist.  
  
"Apologize to my friend Andy!" Roddy commanded  
  
"I'm sorry." Schultz whined.  
  
"Good." Roddy said, dropping him. "Come on, Andy."  
  
Roddy led Andy out of the room.  
  
A few weeks later, Terry called Andy at the Ramada Inn in Manhattan, where he was staying.  
  
"Hey, Andy, I want to ask you something."  
  
"Sure, Terry."  
  
"Why are you such a consummate professional throughout this whole deal?"  
  
Andy was taken aback by this inquiry.  
  
"Because I love wrestling and I always have," he replied. "I always wanted to be involved with it and I wish people outside of the business would accept me being here. I always said there was no drama like wrestling. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because I've been with T either training for WrestleMania, cutting promos ripping at you and Roddy or making media appearances and he's the complete opposite of you: All he does is bitch and moan," Terry explained. "He practically begged me and Vince for a chance to get in the ring and now he comes up with every excuse in the book why he shouldn't do whatever we're supposed to do that day. I like the guy and all, because when we meet socially, he's a good guy, but he complains more than any actual wrestler I've ever worked with."  
  
"I don't think Mr. T respects the business like I do," Andy opined. "I actually didn't want to wrestle Jerry Lawler, I only wanted to wrestle women, because I knew going in that it would be tough if I did it. T seems to think that wrestling is something anybody could do, and it isn't. Jerry twisted my arm, though, and once I did, I realized why there was hostility towards me in the industry: Because wrestling isn't for wimps. If you're not prepared, you could get hurt. I'm sure T will realize this once you and Roddy and I get him in the ring in two weeks."  
  
"I guess that about sums it up," Terry agreed. "And I hope you're right, because if WrestleMania tanks, we'll probably all be out of a job a week later."  
  
"Hey, Terry, how would the fans react if you or T bodyslammed me?" Andy inquired.  
  
"Oh, that would go over great I think."  
  
"Would you consider it?" Andy urged.  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"So what celebrities are going to be there besides me and T?" Andy asked.  
  
"Well, there will be many celebs in the audience, but besides Cyndi Lauper who's managing Wendi Richter in her women's title match, Liberace's going to be the guest timekeeper, Muhammad Ali is going to be the guest referee..."  
  
"Muhammad Ali!" Andy recalled. "He idolized Buddy Rogers, too, didn't he?"  
  
"Yup, that's what he tells me," Terry said. "He's one of my heroes and I met him a couple of times before this. And the Rockettes will be there, and so will Billy Martin."  
  
"Who's Billy Martin?" Andy inquired. He didn't know jack about any sport other than wrestling.  
  
"He's the ex-manager of the Yankees," Terry explained. "You remember the little gaunt guy at the press conference with the really thin rim glasses who thought he was hiding his scotch in the paper bag?"  
  
"Oh, you mean the guy who said, 'Who's this Hulk guy again?'"  
  
"Yup. Well, I'll see you at the game, dude."  
  
"Bye, Terry."  
  
WrestleMania, March 31, 1985, 12:00 P.M. ****************************************  
  
The day had finally arrived and as he got into Madison Square Garden with Roddy, Andy had his game face on. Immediately, Terry and Vince surrounded them. This was going to be broadcast on NBC at 8:00 p.m. and Andy couldn't wait.  
  
"Good afternoon, boys," Vince greeted his heel team. "You all set for your WWF main event debut, Andy?"  
  
"Oh, you bet I am, Vince," Andy beamed. He was like one of the Willy Wonka kids. "I'm pumped!"  
  
"Good." Vince said. "And I'll say this for you, Andy, unlike your celebrity opponent, at least you care enough to be here on time."  
  
"What, T ain't here yet?" Roddy marveled.  
  
"No, he isn't, and I'm sure when he arrives, he'll come up with some lame excuse why he can't wrestle, presumably a half hour before the show starts!" Terry yelped, visibly irritated.  
  
Andy took turns meeting with certain celebrities. Muhammad Ali and Liberace were both gracious to him, taking pictures and chatting with him a bit, but Billy Martin was a bit of a problem.  
  
"Hey, Latka," he bellowed, pulling on his brown paper bag. Andy could tell he was drunk, but being frightened to death of confrontations, he wouldn't tell Billy Martin that. "Why are you here? Didn't you take enough ridicule with that other wrestling shit you did?"  
  
"Well, I love it here, Mr. Martin..." He tried to protest.  
  
"Ah, HORSE SHIT!" Martin exclaimed. "The only good thing about this junk is the pay! And you... OW!" Andy heard a little clunk by Billy Martin's crotch and watched him fall down in pain. Andy discovered that the device used to inflict pain on the rude and unpleasant baseball manager was a cane and the cane belonged to Andy's old friend Fred Blassie.  
  
"That's what'cha get for messin' with my boy here, you drunken bastard!" Blassie beamed. "Now mend your pain and announce the main event like you're 'sposed to and you won't get hurt anymore, you got it, you pencil-neck geek?"  
  
"Yes, sir," Martin mumbled. "Yes, sir!"  
  
"Good. Andy, you okay?"  
  
"Yes, thank you, Fred." Andy replied. "I have to go meditate now. That's what I do before a show."  
  
"Okay. God bless ya, son."  
  
5:30 p.m. *********  
  
As Andy came out of his dressing room, he was invigorated by his Meditation, as he usually was. However, something strange happened once he came out, preparing to watch the show from backstage. He noticed the gang of bikers known as the Hell's Angels leading their motorcycles in and talking to Linda McMahon about the chairs being set up for them.  
  
"What's going on here, Linda?" Andy inquired after they all got to ringside.  
  
"They just came to me and demanded chairs," She explained. "I'm a tough broad, Andy, but even I'm not gonna fight with the Hell's Angels."  
  
As he saw leader Chuck Zito give menacing looks to five foot referees, he winced.  
  
"I don't blame you, Linda," he whispered. "Not one bit."  
  
Out of nowhere, Vince and Terry appeared, jumping up and down and yelling.  
  
"Damn it damn it, damn it!" Vince roared. "Where the hell is T already?"  
  
"He's still not here?" Andy marveled, slightly worried. This was his chance to prove to mainstream audiences that his favorite form of performance art was not only profitable but entertaining as well, and it was about to be ruined by a would-be actor with an ego as big as Terry's whole body.  
  
"No, he's still not here," Terry said. "And if he doesn't show up within the next hour, Andre will be working a double-shot tonight."  
  
A double-shot means two slots in one night.  
  
Oh, God, no! Andy thought. Andre would have no doubt killed him.  
  
All of a sudden, the Garden phone rang. Terry answered it.  
  
"Hello?" he yelled. "He is? Oh, good. WHAT? Jesus Christ, don't let him. Well, just stall him, I'll be right there!"  
  
"What is it, Monster?" Vince inquired worriedly.  
  
"T's here, but he's leaving again!" Terry bellowed. "I gotta go down and get him!"  
  
"I'm coming with you." Andy stated.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Trust me, Terry." He persisted.  
  
Terry and Andy ran down to the limousine garage of the Garden as fast as they could. Luckily, they caught up with T, who had two white limos with him and at least twenty people occupied them.  
  
"Oh, Hulk, man, screw this, I'm leaving!" T roared.  
  
"What's the problem, man?" Terry demanded.  
  
"These security assholes won't let my friends in!" T said. "I'm gone!"  
  
"No way!" Terry yelped and jumped in front of T's limo.  
  
"Get outta my way, goddammit!" T screamed.  
  
"You want to leave, you're gonna have to roll over me, brother." Terry said.  
  
A split-second later, Andy joined Terry and put his game face on.  
  
"What'sa matter, Mr. T?" Andy bellowed, breaking into his character off camera like he never had before. "Are you afraid?"  
  
"What'd you just say, sucka?" T inquired, taken aback.  
  
"We're supposed to be opponents in the storylines," Andy explained. "If you leave here right now, I'm gonna have to go out there and explain to 20,000 people, many of whom are our celebrity peers, that big, bad Mr. T who once played bodyguard to Muhammad Ali, Steve McQueen and Diana Ross, was too scared to get in the ring with one hundred and fifty pound Andy Kaufman, who's greatest accomplishment as far as wrestling was beating a bunch of women by secretly whispering sweet nothings in their ears on the mat! There's no telling what that would do to your career or your image, not to mention your ego. Now, do you want to come across that way, or do you want to put your game face on and face the music?"  
  
"Goddamn it, Kaufman, you little shit!" T roared, jumping out of the car from the front door. "I'm gonna break your damn head open, you chump!"  
  
T lunged for Andy. Terry quickly jumped in-between them.  
  
"Fine, just as long as you do it in the ring!" Terry agreed.  
  
"Wherever, man!" T said. "But what about my friends?"  
  
"Give me ten minutes, I'll take care of it. T, you go back up to our dressing room and wait for me. I promise you, the next time you see me, I'll get everybody in and I'll bring 'em. Andy, you go with him, because I want somebody to make sure he doesn't skip out again. Got it?"  
  
Andy nodded.  
  
"C'mon, T." He said, taking him inside.  
  
T shook himself away from Andy.  
  
"I don't need no hand-holding!" He roared. "'Specially not from you, man!"  
  
"You know, I'm gonna tear you a new one tonight," T told Andy as he led him to the dressing room.  
  
"Of course you are," Andy agreed. "That's how Vince and Linda booked it."  
  
"No, I mean, I'm gonna really kick your ass for saying that..."  
  
Andy chuckled.  
  
"Aw, I was just playing around, T," Andy explained. "You would have bolted for sure if I didn't say that. You're scared of wrestling tonight. I understand that. I was scared when I went in the ring with Jerry Lawler a few years back, but we're friendly, so he took care of me. Roddy's a bit hostile towards you, but I know him. He's a pro. As long as you act the same way, he'll take care of you like Terry promised to take care of me."  
  
"Really?" T said, warming up for the first time since Andy had met him.  
  
"Really."  
  
"How come you ain't scared?" T inquired.  
  
"Meditation," Andy replied. "Helps me overcome any fear I have, which is why I always do it before I perform. You oughtta try it sometime."  
  
T put his hand on his chin as Andy waved goodbye to him.  
  
"Meditation, huh?" he mused.  
  
Terry caught up with Andy as he watched the first match of the night end on the monitor.  
  
"Andy, how'd you ever work up the courage to taunt T like that, dude?" he inquired.  
  
"Meditation," Andy explained. "Meditation gives me the courage to perform whatever character I'm supposed to play. I'm playing Bad Guy Wrestler tonight, so there you go."  
  
"Thanks, Andy," Terry said. "Vince and I both owe you big time."  
  
"Do Vince and Linda know I did that?" Andy inquired.  
  
"Yup, and after he finished laughing his ass off, Vince told me he'd give you a bonus check for it."  
  
Andy enjoyed the majority of the card very much. As with most wrestling shows, there were a few mid-card level matches which sucked, but on the whole, he sensed (correctly) that this WrestleMania program would be wrestling's future.  
  
Three particular matches he enjoyed were the ones that were the most promoted other than his own. The first was a Tag Team Championship match between the U.S. Express, Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham, whose theme song was Born in the U.S.A., against the team of former Iranian Olympic wrestler Kazrow Vaziri, or the Iron Sheik as he was known on TV, whose trademark phrase was, "Russia Number One, Iran, Number One, U.S.A., Hah! Phew!" and Nikolai Volkoff (managed by Andy's pal Fred), a Russian. This being the Reagan era when the U.S. was having problems with both Russia and Iran, the fans instantly hated the Sheik and Volkoff. Andy enjoyed watching them all, but he loved the theatrics of the foreigners (they reminded him heavily of his own Foreign Man character) who eventually won. While watching them, Andy started singing Mr. Roboto by Styx, which he'd seen on MTV earlier today, in his Foreign Man voice. While he was singing the catchphrase, "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto." he couldn't help but crack up the nearby wrestlers who were watching him.  
  
The second match he enjoyed was the fifteen thousand dollar Slam Match between Andre and John, who were nearly the same size. The stipulations were whoever bodyslammed the other (Andre had never been slammed) would get fifteen grand, but if Andre lost, which Andy already knew he wouldn't, he would have to retire. It was funny watching Andre throw the money out to the fans after he won. Once the match ended, Andy instantly congratulated both combatants.  
  
The third was the first of the Rock 'n' Wrestling matches, women's champion Lelani Kai vs. Andy's old Inter-Gender acquaintance Wendi Richter, who had lost her title at the War to Settle the Score. Andy had always enjoyed women's wrestling anyway, but this was good for him to watch. He was glad Wendi had won her title back after all of the stuff he'd said to her. By the time she, Wolfe and Lauper had come backstage for her interview with "Mean" Gene Okerlund, just before they came on, Andy walked up to her and gave her a hug to congratulate her.  
  
"Congratulations, Wendi!" he beamed. "That was terrific."  
  
"Thank you, Andy," she said, kissing him on the cheek. He took turns shaking hands with Cyndi Lauper and Dave Wolfe and went off to find Roddy.  
  
In the dressing room, Andy and Roddy prepped each other and went off to the entranceway. Both of them laughed their asses off as they watched Liberace, who was the guest time keeper, kick his heels up as he stood in between the Radio City Rockettes to the tune of New York, New York.  
  
"That's so funny," Andy remarked. "I've really hit the big time now."  
  
"Yeah, you've come a long way from wrestling blondes on the Playboy channel," Roddy agreed. "Hey, Andy, Terry says you convinced T to come back. How'd you do it?"  
  
Andy shrugged.  
  
"I riled him up as only I can." He stated simply.  
  
Roddy knew Andy pretty well, so he didn't have to elaborate on that.  
  
"Introducing first, the opposing team," Billy Martin announced as twelve bagpipe players in Scottish outfits made their way to ringside to welcome Roddy. After they were finished, Roddy and Andy made their way to ringside, playing to the crowd like the heels they were. Andy grabbed the microphone from Billy Martin.  
  
"You know, everybody," he said. "Most of the guys here in the World Wrestling Federation are bigger and stronger than me, but I will say without hesitation that the bleach blond bimbo Hulk Hogan and that dumb Pocahontas hairdo-having Mr. T will not show up here tonight. Because just before the show, I heard Mr. T was leaving the building because he didn't want to face "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Andy Kaufman."  
  
"Accompanied by Ace Cowboy Bob Orton: first from Hollywood, California weighing in at one hundred and fifty-six pounds: Andy Kaufman! And his partner, from Glascow, Scotland, weighing in at two hundred and fifty two pounds: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper! And now their opponents..."  
  
"Eye of the Tiger" hit the airwaves and TV viewers were treated to the sight of Terry, Jimmy Snuka and T walking out. T was decked in a red boxing robe. He blessed himself shortly before they walked out.  
  
"Accompanied by "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka... From Venice Beach, California, weighing 302 pounds, the World Wrestling Federation champion HULK HOGAN. And his partner, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 225 pounds, MR. T!"  
  
Terry and T did their bits of glaring at Roddy and Andy, who glared back.  
  
"What was that shit about me being scared of you, man?" T inquired to Andy secretly.  
  
"It was a spur of the moment decision," Andy replied. "Just to give us some more heat, that's all."  
  
T shrugged. He took off his boxing robe to reveal that, as per usual, he was wearing a Hulkamania shirt, which Terry tore off of his chest. T's wrestling attire was red Speedo pants and red and white boots.  
  
Terry and Roddy started off the match, exchanging blows to the head and hiptosses. They were both brawlers since their wrestling careers were both based on their charisma rather than ability. Roddy tagged in Andy after a while after Terry asked him to. The audience started cheering, "HULK! HULK! HULK!"  
  
Andy got Terry in a wristlock.  
  
"Fling me off and give me a tackle off the ropes like we said, right?" Andy said as he watched Terry pretend to groan in pain from the move, which is referred to as selling a move.  
  
"Copy that." Terry said, hiptossing him to the mat. Andy held his back for a moment, as he didn't fall down too smoothly considering the man who'd hiptossed him was three times his size.  
  
Once Andy rose, Terry bounced off the ropes and tackled Andy so hard he fell out of the ring.  
  
Outside the ring, Andy saw a little blond boy who looked about five years old in a Hulkamania shirt in the front row, sticking his tongue out at him. He was sitting in-between a heavyset, dark-skinned man in his early fifties and a dark-haired woman in her late twenties who had his exact same face.  
  
"You're a very, very, bad man, Mr. Kaufman!" The boy said.  
  
"Come on, Michaelson, calm down and sit here!" the man urged.  
  
"Come on, Christopher, sit down." The woman said.  
  
Andy took a playful slap to the boy. Terry jumped up, grabbed Andy by the hair and pulled him back in the ring, which delighted the boy, his mother and his grandfather.  
  
Andy and Terry locked up and in terms of strength, Andy was no match f1or him. Instantly, Terry backed Andy off of him and pushed him into the ropes.  
  
"Bodyslam me, Terry!" Andy commanded in a whisper.  
  
"What?" Terry marveled.  
  
"Pick me up and bodyslam me!" he repeated.  
  
Terry grabbed Andy by the hair and hoisted him into the air.  
  
"Now, Andy," he whispered as he had Andy hanging upside down in his arms. "If this makes you nauseous afterwards, just let me know, okay?"  
  
"Yes, sir," Andy assured him. "C'mon, wrap it up."  
  
Terry finally slammed Andy. The crowd loved it as predicted. Every single person in the crowd stood up on their feet and applauded as if Frank Sinatra were giving his farewell concert.  
  
"They loved it!" Terry marveled.  
  
"I told you," Andy said. "Chin lock, and from there, I'll tag Roddy, you tag T."  
  
"Right."  
  
Terry bent over and put Andy in a chin lock, which hurt him.  
  
"Ow!" Andy yelped.  
  
"What'sa matter?"  
  
"You're getting a good reaction from me, just loosen your fingers a little." Andy urged.  
  
Terry loosened his grip a bit, but not so much that Andy had to completely fake his reaction.  
  
"How's that?" he asked.  
  
"Much better."  
  
Andy wiggled to the corner and tagged Roddy, who jumped in and pounded on Terry until he was finally able to tag T. T and Roddy exchanged amateur moves and such until Roddy tagged Andy. T immediately got Andy in an airplane spin, and they exchanged amateur takedowns and wrestled on the mat for several minutes. After Andy instructed T to brawl with him and beat the hell out of him for a bit, Roddy finally interfered and pounded T. He decked referee Pat Patterson with one shot, which forced Terry to come in and give Roddy his three punches, foot and legdrop off the ropes, which T did to Andy at the same time. Terry and T both pinned Roddy and Andy respectively and Ali came in to count 1... 2... 3!  
  
Roddy and Ali argued for several seconds before, against Terry's advice, Ali decked him, which prompted Andy and Roddy to leave the ring with Orton, insulting the fans the entire time. Jimmy Snuka came in and joined his team after Liberace rang the bell.  
  
"And the winners of the main event," Billy Martin announced. "Hulk Hogan and Mr. T!"  
  
The winners and the celebrities took turns congratulating each other. When they were finished, Terry and T went over to the boy Andy had insulted.  
  
"Hey," Terry said. "What's your name, little Hulkster?"  
  
"Christopher Casino!" The boy said, beaming from ear to ear knowing he was this close to his hero.  
  
"We came all the way from the suburbs of Philadelphia to see you guys," the boy's grandfather said.  
  
"Give me a pen, somebody," Terry said. A nearby official handed him a felt tip pen, which Terry used to sign the boy's t-shirt, "To Christopher Casino, Thanks for riling Kaufman up, Hulk Hogan."  
  
With that, he picked the boy up, gave him a hug and slapped his hand.  
  
"He hugged me!" the boy yelped, like an 80's teenage girl who'd just met Michael Jackson as Hogan handed him back to his mother. "Mommy, Pop- Pop, did you just see that? Hulk Hogan hugged me!"  
  
"Thanks a lot, Hulk." The boy's mother said. Terry shook hands with them and he, T and Snuka made their way backstage.  
  
"You just made that little boy's day, man, you know that?" T said with admiration as he watched the boy and his family leave and everyone in the arena congratulate him.  
  
"I know, that's why I did it," Terry explained. "I like doing things like that for the kids, it makes me a better person."  
  
"Best way to look at it." T said. He was also very charitable and very child friendly.  
  
Once everybody was backstage, the others dumped bottles of champagne on their heads and screamed things like, "Great job, boys!" "That was terrific!" "Best tag team main event I ever saw!", etc.  
  
Vince approached Andy.  
  
"Hey, Andy, I want you to know, you're welcome back here any time," He said. "That was just great!"  
  
"Thanks, Vince," Andy said, shaking his hand. "And I'd love to come back. You have my number."  
  
Andy and Roddy sat together for a few minutes. Terry and T approached them.  
  
"Hey, Kaufman?" T said.  
  
Andy quickly put his hands up in front of his face.  
  
"Don't hit me!" He said.  
  
Terry put Andy's hands down for him.  
  
"Now, Andy, you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore!" he reminded him.  
  
"Relax, man," T assured him. "I just wanted to tell you what a good match you guys gave me tonight. You were right, man, wrestling ain't for no wimps."  
  
"You guys hungry?" Terry offered. "It's on me."  
  
"The fans can't see us at dinner together." Andy protested.  
  
"No, no, it's 11:30," Terry said. "The kids are in bed by now. We'll be all right."  
  
Terry, Roddy, Andy and T sat down to dinner together at the restaurant of the Helmsley Palace where all of them were staying.  
  
"Want something from the bar, Andy?" Terry offered.  
  
"No, thanks, I don't drink." He replied, putting down a script his old friend Danny DeVito had given him two days earlier called Ruthless People.  
  
"Smart man." T said.  
  
"Does anybody mind if I take off my jacket?" Andy asked.  
  
"If it were up to any of us, we'd let you take off your shirt too," Roddy joked. "Sure, you can take off your jacket."  
  
Andy took off his jacket and hung it on his chair.  
  
"So, Andy, you wrestled three years ago, didn't you?" T inquired. "I think I saw you on Letterman with that wrestler."  
  
"Yeah," Andy replied. "And I got a lot of ridicule for it because I was a mainstream personality participating in something that was strictly taboo for everybody in show business."  
  
"This is sports and show business." Terry reminded him.  
  
"I know, that's why I'm so glad to have been here tonight," Andy agreed. "And it taught me something."  
  
"What's that, buddy?" Terry asked.  
  
"All the ridicule I took for the wrestling, the women who were ready to kill me, bringing Lawler on Letterman with me... It was all worth it."  
  
THE END 


	3. Post Story Timeline

Post WrestleMania Andy Kaufman timeline:  
  
April 17, 1985 - Appears in Cyndi Lauper's The Goonies 'R' Good Enough video with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant, Captain Lou Albano, The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Wendi Richter, et. Al.  
  
May-June 1985 - Tapes four episodes of The A-Team with Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, playing the role of Samuel "Spike" Sisson, a crazed Vietnam veteran who was once B.A., Face, Hannibal and Murdoch's associate who is now working for the CIA. Along with Hogan, is invited to become a regular cast member because the pair is able to play peacemakers between feuding George Peppard and Mr. T, both of whom they're friendly with, but neither of them have the time or the patience.  
  
June 1985 - Plays the role of Danny DeVito's mistress' brain dead lover Earl Mott in Ruthless People (essayed in real life by Bill Pullman) at DeVito's insistence and constant pushing.  
  
July-September 1985 - As another favor to Danny DeVito, Andy plays the role of Moe Dickstein in Brian DePalma's Wise Guys (essayed in real life by Joe Piscopo), a sweet but dumb Jewish guy who is often set up as a patsy for DeVito's Harry Valentini's Ralph Kramden-like scams. The film also features Andy's friend/Danny's cousin WWF manager "Captain" Lou Albano as Frank "The Fixer" Acavano.  
  
March 1, 1986 - Andy appears on Saturday Night's Main Event in Phoenix, Arizona in the corner of "Cowboy" Bob Orton alongside Roddy Piper as Orton fights Mr. T in a boxing match. After the match, Andy, Roddy and Bob attack Mr. T, leading to the boxing match between T and Roddy.  
  
April 2, 1986 - WrestleMania 2 is held in three venues - Los Angeles, New York (The Nassau County Coliseum, in Uniondale) and the Rosement Horizon in Chicago. Andy appears as one of pal "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's corner men in his boxing match with Mr. T. Piper's corner men include Lou Duva and Andy and Roddy's old buddy "Cowboy" Bob Orton, whereas T's corner men are Smokin' Joe Frazier, The Haiti Kid and "Manager of Champions" Jim Connelly.  
  
June 1986 - Forms production company Reality Is An Illusion Inc. First film produced under the label is his long sought-after Tony Clifton Story. Gets films produced for several wrestlers under the label, too.  
  
July 1986 - Writes several handwritten novels later published by Simon & Schuster.  
  
July-September 1986 - Films the role of Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride (essayed in real life by Mandy Patinkin) at the insistence of director Rob Reiner, a longtime fan, as well as his old chum Andre the Giant who appears in the movie as, appropriately enough, Fezzik, the warm-hearted giant. Andy cries when he reads the script. The movie is a big hit and is almost universally acclaimed by critics, and even at this writing is still considered an 80's classic.  
  
November-December 1986 - Flies to England to guest star on the legendary science fiction program Doctor Who, playing the treacherous oaf Sabolom Glitz in the Colin Baker-era story Trial of a Time Lord.  
  
December 1986 - Attends Vince McMahon's Christmas party at his house in Greenwich, Connecticut.  
  
Saturday, November 29, 1986 - In the WWF storylines, Andy announces his displeasure with the babyface turn of his "former friend" Roddy Piper, challenges him on Piper's Pit, and wrestles him on Saturday Night's Main Event, with Jimmy Hart in his corner. Andy wins by count out.  
  
March 1987 - Wrestles and loses to Mr. T at WrestleMania III. Both gentlemen watch the historical Hulk Hogan/Andre the Giant match together in the dressing room. Andy doesn't root, but has heard Terry is supposed to win. When he and T see him slam Andre, they are amazed and immediately congratulate Terry when he comes backstage. Andy also goes to find Andre to find out if he's okay. Andre is fine, and even picks Andy up and hoists him on his shoulders for a Polaroid.  
  
May 1987 - Returns as Sabolom Glitz on Doctor Who for the Sylvester McCoy- era story Dragonfire.  
  
1988 - Visits Florida for the birth of Hulk Hogan's first child, Brooke Bollea.  
  
June-July 1988 - Films the role of U62 chief engineer Philo (essayed in real life by Anthony Geary) in pop parodist "Weird Al" Yankovic's starring feature debut UHF after longtime fan Yankovic calls him personally.  
  
Mid-July 1988 - His Broadway show There is No Real Me debuts and plays until the end of the winter of 1989.  
  
Summer 1989 - Returns to the WWF to help Hulk Hogan promote his starring feature film debut No Holds Barred. As the man who plays the monster Zeus in that film, Tom "Tiny" Lister, Jr. appears in the WWF as Zeus to feud with Hogan, Andy acts as his manager, declaring, "Zeus is from Hollywood, I'm from Hollywood, too. Zeus hates Hogan, I hate Hogan too!"  
  
1990 - Plays the role of overworked, stressed out suburbanite family man Charlie Wilcox in Hulk Hogan's Suburban Commando at Hogan's insistence (essayed in real life by Taxi costar Christopher Lloyd). While the film is not a tremendous hit, it is light-hearted and funny, and Hogan and Kaufman make a pretty good odd couple pairing.  
  
1990 - Visits Florida again for the birth of Hulk Hogan's son Nicholas.  
  
Summer 1991 - Andy writes and directs an animated movie based upon his play. Famous cohorts lend voices.  
  
August 1991 - Appears as a guest of Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper and Vince McMahon at WWF SummerSlam but has no on-air role on the show. Andy cries loudly and publicly as he watches the "Match Made in Heaven" wedding between "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth from backstage. Sees Andre the Giant walking on crutches that you clip onto your forearms and asks Hulk Hogan about it. Hogan replies that Andre's not been feeling too well. Andy immediately goes over and wishes the warm-hearted giant the best.  
  
August 1992-95 - His cartoon show Uncle Andy's Fun House premieres on ABC Saturday Morning.  
  
1992-93 - As a lifelong ice cream/chocolate cake aficionado, becomes the national spokesman for Friendly's.  
  
Late January 1993 - Attends Andre the Giant's funeral.  
  
1994 - Hulk Hogan calls Andy and offers him a chance to come work some shows for Ted Turner's World Championship Wrestling promotion, which he and several WWF-defecting friends have joined. "I haven't seen you in a while, buddy," he says. "And I'd love to have you." Having an extreme dislike for the promotion, he declines, saying, "No way, Terry, these people don't know how to put a show together. If it weren't for you and all the other guys Vince made famous, they wouldn't have a good thing in the world." Terry protests they can offer him any amount of money he asks for. "My father handles my finances," Andy points out. "Money doesn't matter to me."  
  
1997-1999 - Is contacted by Vince McMahon and hired to be the third-man commentator on Raw is War with Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, knowing of his instant chemistry with the King. He is also hired as a television writer for the show.  
  
November 1997 - Persuaded by writer Vince Russo, Andy comes out of retirement as the Inter-Gender Champion and puts his title on the line at Cobo Hall, in Detroit, Michigan against the WWF's top divas, Sunny, Sable & Marlena. Defeats all three of them, but his victory celebration is short- lived as he is stunned by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in the middle of his Buddy Rogers strut.  
  
June 1998 - During the Undertaker/Mankind Hell in a Cell 1998 match, Andy breaks character on camera for the first time as he sees how brutally his friend Mick Foley, who plays Mankind and whom he has a great deal in common with, is being beaten up by Mark "Undertaker" Calloway. Andy is visibly shaken during the match, barely able to contain himself. He jumps into the ring as soon as several ambulance attendees, officials, Terry Funk and Vince McMahon come in and helps tend to Mick. Andy cries, "Stop it, Mark! Please, don't do any more!" Andy, Vince and Terry Funk take Mick back to the dressing room where Andy bawls his eyes out at the sight of his friend being tended to. Mick calls Andy a few weeks later to let him know he's recovered.  
  
1998: Hired as executive producer for biopic Man on the Moon, starring longtime Andy impersonator Wally Wingert and directed by Danny DeVito. Andy also does a rewrite of the script. As a result, the movie is much better than in real life, and is also a much bigger hit.  
  
1999 - After head writers Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara leave for WCW, Andy becomes the head writer and promotes himself to the manager of the Rock 'n' Sock Connection, Mick Foley and the Rock, who is a modern day version of Buddy Rogers. Leaves his broadcast position for the time being.  
  
May 1999 - Says some kind words about Owen Hart on the Raw tribute show. May 31 - Flies to Calgary to attend Owen's funeral. Sees Terry Bollea for the first time in five years and they hug. He stays with Terry and the family for a while before leaving to go home to San Francisco before the next show.  
  
2000 - Against his better judgment, Andy watches some WCW telecasts. On a few Nitro broadcasts, his friend Jim Ross is parodied by writer Ed Ferrara, who never got along with Ross. Ferrara even mocks his Bells Palsy. On a separate pay-per-view, Vince Russo screws over Hulk Hogan by not complying what Hogan wanted during a title match. He hasn't seen Terry in a while, but they talk often and Andy immediately calls Terry to tell him he's sorry and wish him the best. "You were right not to come to WCW, Andy," Terry says. "This promotion sucks!" Andy scans the Internet and gets Russo and Ferrara's cell phones. He immediately dials both of them and has Tony Clifton send them a message that sends chills up their spines. Ferrara issues a public apology to JR, who in turn thanks Andy personally for sticking up for him.  
  
February-November 2001 - At Jim Ross' insistence, he returns to the broadcast booth to play the tweener (neutral, no sided) announcer between he and Paul Heyman, who replaces Andy's old friend Jerry Lawler after his wife Stacy Carter is fired, to both keep JR and Paul from killing each other and give the booth some credibility in Lawler's absence. While he and Jim Ross have a good rapport (which is considerably better than what Heyman brings to the table), they're both friends with the King and miss him a lot. When Jerry returns in November, Andy and JR are the first two to welcome him back. As Vince McMahon has Paul Heyman dragged out by security, he yells, "Allow me to introduce you, Mr. Heyman, to your replacement, come on down, Jerry "The King" Lawler!" Jerry walks down, JR sings his praises. Andy jumps up and down excitedly, and hugs the King when he gets to the booth.  
  
At the same show where Jerry returns, Mr. T comes backstage before the show and, following a backstage vignette he tapes with the APA, spots Andy. The pair has not seen each other since 1987 in Detroit at the Pontiac Silverdome. They talk for quite a while, and even discuss Terry's problems with Vince Russo. "Russo's an ignorant son of a bitch!" T growls.  
  
While T is shown on camera during the show, after Lawler squeals, "He's Booker's Dad!" JR says to Andy, "Old friend of yours, 'eh, Andy?" Andy replies, "Friend of mine, friend of this company."  
  
January 2002 - Hulk Hogan returns to the WWF after nearly ten years. Andy is the first one to greet him when he comes back. He is pleased to see his old friend, and he tells him he is sorry to hear of his father's passing.  
  
March 17, 2002 - Andy rejoins JR and the King at the commentary booth for the Hulk Hogan/Rock match at WrestleMania X8. Jerry asks what he's doing there, to which Andy replies, "Well, I know both of these gentlemen pretty well." When Hogan turns babyface again at the end of the match, Andy remarks to JR and the King, "I'll tell you guys what, you know I used to rag on the Hulk when he was a real American, but I have the utmost respect for him, and he's going out in a classy manner today." Immediately after the broadcast, as he had done at the very first WrestleMania Andy goes backstage and congratulates both Dwayne Johnson and Terry Bollea.  
  
August, 2002 - On the pay-per-view WWE SummerSlam Andy comes out of retirement as the Inter-Gender Champion and defends his title successfully against WWE's own Stacy Keibler and Trish Stratus. Jerry Lawler is in his corner.  
  
October 2002-On - Andy joins Hulk Hogan, Jerry Lawler, Jimmy Hart and several others on the promotional tour for the video game Legends of Wrestling II, in which he is featured as a wrestler (DVD-ROM footage on the disc includes interviews with all the legends, including said people). A video game aficionado, Andy is impressed and very, very flattered by the fact that the video game people not only included him as a wrestler in this game but also gave him more moves than he could have ever hoped for, and plays the game quite often with Hulk Hogan and his son Nick when he visits the house. 


	4. Appendix Some Things Never Change

Some Things Never Change  
  
A short story by Chris Casino, which takes place during the story It Was All Worth It  
  
Disclaimer: Fridays and its' characters are the property of Moffitt/Lee Productions and ABC, Hulkamania, Hulkster & Hulk Hogan are trademarks of Marvel Comics, WrestleMania is the property of World Wrestling Entertainment. Andy Kaufman and all others belong to themselves.  
  
Manhattan Ramada Inn, February, 1985 ************************************  
  
Andy Kaufman sat in his hotel room, pondering how he could promote the World Wrestling Federation's upcoming event, WrestleMania, of which he was one of the star attractions.  
  
It's not fair. He thought. Terry and T get to do all the promotional stuff for the wrestling event I've been waiting to perform at all my life and I'm stuck on the sidelines with a nation of people hoping I get mine! Oh, if there was just something I could do to help promote the event...  
  
He turned on NBC. His friend and future opponent Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea and his partner, The A-Team star Mr. T, were hosting Saturday Night Live, a show NBC chief Dick Ebersol had thrown him off of three years earlier as a publicity stunt and never called back as he promised Andy he would.  
  
He then thought of an ABC show similar to it that he'd hosted called Fridays in 1981, which debuted in April 1980. It was seen originally as a rip-off, but little by little it started coming into its' own identity, and eventually ran neck and neck with SNL. Andy had been hired by producer/writer Jack Burns and John Moffitt to kick-start the show and get it some attention. How he did it was he broke out of character in a sketch with three comedians, Michael Richards (a brilliant upstart whom he befriended after the show), Melanie Chartoff and Maryedith Burrell. Each person was supposed to smoke a joint in the bathroom at one point and come back to the table without them knowing. But Andy wouldn't do it, saying, "I can't play stoned. I feel really stupid." And Michael tossed the cue cards at him and Andy poured water on him. With that, Andy, Jack Burns and Michael got into a fist fight. In reality Andy, Michael, Jack and John Moffitt had scripted the event to generate publicity, and it worked like a charm, but none of the other cast or crew members knew it. Richards' realistic reaction fooled everyone who was watching.  
  
Andy thought it really was a shame it took so long for people to realize what a good show it was. They had a lot of great skits and actors, all of whom were hard-working and talented.  
  
"If I could do something like that to promote WrestleMania," he thought. "I'd really be in business."  
  
Suddenly, a light bulb went off in his head. He picked up the hotel phone and dialed a number.  
  
"Hello?" answered a young female voice.  
  
"Hello, is this Stephanie?"  
  
"Yes, it is," She confirmed. "Mr. Kaufman?"  
  
"Yes," Andy said. "Is your Daddy home?"  
  
"Daddy!" Stephanie yelled.  
  
"Hello, Andy," said Vince McMahon's voice a few seconds later. "What's up?"  
  
"Uh, Vince, I know you said you wanted Terry and Mr. T to go on all of the TV shows and stuff," Andy noted. "But if I had a TV show I wanted Roddy, Bob and I to go on to promote it a week before the show, would that bother you terribly?"  
  
"Certainly not," Vince said. "But what show could you go on? I thought you were blacklisted from every show except Letterman."  
  
"Did you ever hear of a show called Fridays?" Andy asked.  
  
"Oh, yeah!" Vince recalled. "Shane and Stephanie watch it every week. They especially like that tall, frizzy-haired double-jointed fellow on it. What's his name?"  
  
"Michael Richards," Andy replied. "He's my friend."  
  
"Funny guy," Vince mused. "If he ever hits it big, we should try to bring him in for a skit on TNT or something."  
  
Tuesday Night Titans was the WWF's variety show at the time.  
  
"So you up for it, Vince?" Andy pressed. "I can call the producer Jack Burns right now."  
  
"Yes, I'm up for it," Vince said. "But I think you'd better call Roddy and Bob first."  
  
"Okay. Goodbye, Vince."  
  
Andy picked up the phone again and dialed Roddy's hotel.  
  
"Yellow," Roddy's voice greeted him after a few rings. "You've reached the New York hotel room of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and his frat brother Bob Orton."  
  
"Hey, Roddy, it's Andy," Andy said.  
  
"Hey, partner!" Roddy beamed. "What's up?"  
  
"Are you and Bob up for going on a comedy variety show called Fridays to promote WrestleMania a week before it?" Andy questioned.  
  
"Would you be with us?" asked Roddy, who had seen the show a few times.  
  
"I sure would," Andy replied. "And I'd be planning the last sketch which would be specifically to promote the event."  
  
"Cool." Roddy said. "Book it."  
  
When Roddy Piper, Andy and Bob Orton arrived at the Los Angeles Basin set of Fridays, cast members Mark Blankfield, Michael Richards and Larry David immediately welcomed them. All three of them were fans (and by now acquaintances) of Andy's. Whenever he came on this show, something different and exciting happened.  
  
"Hi, guys." Andy greeted them. "These are my pals Roddy Piper and Bob Orton. Roddy, Bob, this is Mark Blankfield..."  
  
Roddy stared at Blankfield, who was a short Jewish guy who looked like a poor man's Gene Wilder.  
  
"Didn't I see you on Taxi?" Roddy asked, shaking Mark's hand.  
  
"Yup," Mark confirmed. "As Simka's cousin Zifka, the monk. That was Andy pulling some strings for me. Well, that and teaching me the Foreign Man accent."  
  
"And Larry David, who'll also be writing the sketch where we all play our WWF personas..."  
  
"Yeah," Larry said. "We play these two wrestlers called the Golden Boys..."  
  
"Yeah, Andy told us," Roddy said.  
  
"And Michael Richards." Andy finished.  
  
Roddy and Bob shook hands with him.  
  
"Hey, Michael," Roddy said. "Andy's told us a lot about you."  
  
"Likewise."  
  
"Andy! Roddy!" yelled a voice from behind them.  
  
Andy and Roddy turned around and saw their pal David Wolfe, who was their wrestling accomplice Cyndi Lauper's manager and fiancée.  
  
"Dave!" Roddy beamed, hugging his pal. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Vince told us you were coming on this show to promote WrestleMania," Dave Wolfe replied. "And we couldn't be outdone."  
  
"Hey, this actually works out pretty good," Andy said. "Now you guys can help us plot something else along with what we're already gonna do."  
  
"That's what we were thinking." David Wolfe said. "What were you planning to do?"  
  
Mark, Michael, Andy, Larry, Roddy and Bob all looked around to make sure nobody else was around.  
  
"Okay, listen, this is it," Andy said. "But don't breathe a word of it to anybody else except Cyndi yet, okay, David?"  
  
"Hey, who are you talkin' to, Andy?" David Wolfe asked.  
  
The seven men huddled together in a corner.  
  
Friday night, March 22, 1985 ****************************  
  
Twenty minutes before the show, as the audience made their way in, Roddy and Bob were arguing with producer Jack Burns.  
  
Jack Burns knew a lot about comedy, having worked with George Carlin (who was the show's very first host, all thanks to Jack), on The Muppet Show and Avery Schreiber, but he didn't know a whole lot about professional wrestling, as he was about to find out.  
  
"Why are you guys playing your characters now?" Burns demanded.  
  
In 1985, you could not break out of character in professional wrestling in public places like Roddy and Bob were in now, and if you did, the promoter you worked for would come over instantly and slap your frigging head off. Roddy and Bob were not about to blow their covers to Jack Burns.  
  
"We ain't playing characters, you jackass!" Roddy pressed. "Now get outta my way before I rearrange your face!"  
  
Burns got out of their faces.  
  
At the same time, Andy was arguing with one of the backstage people.  
  
"Ah, man that Michael Richards is just too weird!" The guy bellowed.  
  
"He's too goofy and he's not able to stand still for long enough, he'll never go anywhere."  
  
"No, no," Andy insisted, sticking up for a man he knew was one of the best guys on the show. "Michael's great. I guarantee you, five or ten years from now, he'll be one of the most popular faces on TV."  
  
"Ah, all you show business oddballs stick together!" The man persisted. "That guy sucks!"  
  
"All right, whatever you say." Andy said, quietly.  
  
During the show, Andy, Roddy and Bob went off anywhere they could, interrupting Michael Richards' macho man character Dick by Roddy telling actress Melanie Chartoff, "I'm more macho than this lanky chump." The three of them destroyed the newscast set, and Orton engaged John Roarke's Ronald Reagan in an airplane spin for five minutes.  
  
Finally, though, it was time for Andy, as the guest host, to introduce Cyndi Lauper as she prepared to sing Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Andy introduced her as, "Ladies and gentlemen, that short, orange haired girl whose voice sounds like the squeaking of an old chair, Cyndi Lauper!"  
  
There was a nervous beat before everybody clapped for Cyndi. While she was singing, Andy, Roddy and Bob hid behind the instruments. Just as she hit her final note in the song, Roddy snuck up behind her and hit her over the head with a guitar as Andy and Bob held her down.  
  
Suddenly, Mark and Larry appeared on the scene as the Golden Boys.  
  
"Well, isn't this a fascinating turn of events?" Mark said. "It takes three of these men to harass one woman!"  
  
"Very chivalrous of you boys," Larry agreed. "But we're the Golden Boys and we've come to put a stop to it!"  
  
Suddenly, they switched the set to a wrestling ring with the other cast members, save for Michael Richards, Darrow Igus and John Roarke, as audience members.  
  
Andy, Roddy and Bob beat the hell out of Larry and Mark for two minutes before a voice yelled, "Yo, Piper! Kaufman!"  
  
Andy and Roddy looked behind them and saw Michael Richards as Hulk Hogan, Darrow Igus as Mr. T and John Roarke as Superfly Jimmy Snuka.  
  
"Oh, no! Roddy, Bob, our WrestleMania rivals! What will we do?" Andy questioned.  
  
"I pity you fools!" Igus said.  
  
Roddy and Bob never would have admitted it on the air, but seeing Michael, Darrow and John dressed up as their colleagues was hilarious (especially Darrow as T because Roddy was willing to take any chance he could to poke fun at that asshole) and they were having difficulty keeping straight faces. Michael looked like he could be a Hulk Hogan parody because he was tall and deep-voiced, but he was way too thin to be any kind of real Hogan (although he was wearing a body suit over his Hulkamania shirt). Andy on the other hand, had no difficulty because he always maintained he did not tell jokes, that he was not funny and he had no idea what was. By the time Michael was beaten, he fell and stumbled out of the ring like he would do so flawlessly and without bodily harm time and time again on Seinfeld four years later. He continued to stumble as he was out of the ring.  
  
Andy, Roddy and Bob beat up the trio for a while before a familiar female voice yelled out, "Piper, Kaufman, Orton, I don't like this junk you guys have been pulling all night, and I got a surprise for you!"  
  
Out of nowhere, Cyndi Lauper led the real Hulk Hogan, Mr. T and Jimmy Snuka onto the sketch. Andy, Roddy and Bob were shocked.  
  
"What are you doing?" Andy screamed. "What the hell do you guys think you're doing? Fridays is my show! You guys aren't supposed to be here!"  
  
"Isn't that the darkest Indian you ever seen, folks?" Roddy asked the audience, referring to T.  
  
They couldn't help but laugh. Although his audience hated him, Roddy could always make them laugh.  
  
Terry, T and Jimmy stared the men down for a good few minutes. As they started to brawl ferociously, the audience gaped and the show went off the air.  
  
"Hey, boys!" Terry yelped, suddenly stopping and calling T and Jimmy off. "We've entertained these nice folks long enough. Whaddya say we take it backstage?"  
  
"You got it!" Roddy roared.  
  
Vince McMahon's House, Stamford, Connecticut ********************************************  
  
Shane and Stephane McMahon watched this event unfold on television in their living room.  
  
"Shane!" Linda McMahon's voice yelled. "Stephanie, we're home!"  
  
"Mom, Dad!" Shane yelled back at them. "Get in here, quick, you gotta see this!"  
  
Vince and Linda came in and saw Cyndi Lauper bringing in Terry, T and Jimmy as the imitations left the ring.  
  
The two of them cracked up.  
  
"That's terrific!" Vince roared. "Goddamn, that Andy's brilliant!"  
  
Backstage, Twenty Minutes Later *******************************  
  
Andy, Roddy, Bob, Mark, Larry, Michael, Darrow, John, and Jack Burns were toasting Terry, Jimmy, Cyndi Lauper and David Wolfe with various drinks and munching on a buffet table. Mr. T, on the other hand, was not much of a party animal, especially around people who were just making fun of him, so he went on back to the hotel. As it turned out, Andy, Larry and David Wolfe carefully crafted the whole incident. Whenever Fridays slipped, Jack Burns knew he could always count on Andy to come aboard and get it some more attention, and here was no exception.  
  
"Andy," David said. "I gotta hand it to you. This shoot fight on the show scheme of yours was a stroke of genius!"  
  
Andy blushed.  
  
"I couldn't have done it without you or Larry." He said. "Are you okay, Ms. Lauper?"  
  
"Andy, I already told you to stop calling me that, I'm younger than you, for Christ's sake!" Cyndi Lauper beamed. "And I'm fine, the guitar was custom made. It exploded on impact, remember?"  
  
"You really did a hilarious impersonation of me, Michael," Terry remarked.  
  
"I've been studying you for weeks." Michael said.  
  
"Did I hurt you, Mark?" Roddy asked.  
  
"Me and Michael are the two most agile comics on this show," Mark explained. "We never get hurt. And if we do, we get right back up."  
  
"Sounds kind of like us." Roddy said, referring to himself, Bob, Terry and Jimmy.  
  
As cast members Melanie Chartoff, Bruce Mahler and Maryedith Burrell looked on, Melanie laughed. Andy had hurt her feelings in the restaurant sketch in 1981, but once she realized that it was done to help the show and that Andy was a much kinder, sweeter guy off-camera, she developed a liking for him.  
  
"You know, guys," She remarked to her two costars. "It's true what they say, some things never change!" 


End file.
